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MRSC has joined with Janice Corbin and Janet May, Partners, Sound Employment Solutions, Rhonda Hilyer, President, Agreement Dynamics, Bruce Schroeder, Employment/Litigation Attorney, Summit Law Group, and Mark Busto, Attorney, Sebris Busto James, to bring you the "HR Advisor" article series on employment and labor law issues affecting Washington local governments. The "HR Advisor" will feature a new article each month with timely HR management information and advice you can use.*
Anger Tools
June 2007
Rhonda Hilyer
Agreement Dynamics, Inc.
“Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything.” Anonymous
It’s hard to imagine a non–angry fight. Certainly our worst conflicts are kept alive by anger. The dictionary defines anger as “a feeling of strong displeasure and antagonism directed against the cause of an assumed wrong or injury.”
What causes anger? Sometimes when we experience stress or pain (like a traffic jam or criticism from a supervisor), we think about the stress or pain in a way that triggers anger. There is nothing automatic about getting angry. The traffic jam or the criticism does not make you angry. It’s your thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions about that traffic jam or that criticism that make you angry.
Usually these thoughts include “should’s” or “blames” like, “The mayor should stop all this development,” or “How can my boss expect me to get reports out on time when he’s constantly calling me into meetings?” or “It’s not my fault; it’s someone else’s.” Anger not only allows you to block pain and relieve tension but also shifts responsibility to someone or something else. The problem with this is that stress and pain are only temporarily relieved, and the anger itself generates resistance, resentment, and more conflict from others and more pain for the angry person.
Anger in and of itself is not positive or negative. Anger can be helpful:
- to escape a physical attack
- to stop abusive behaviors or set limits when other efforts fail
- to recover from some forms of real or perceived abuse and past injustices
How do we know when anger is helpful? Learn to use the appropriate/effectiveness test. In any situation ask yourself: “Is anger appropriate now, and will it be effective in helping me get the results I want?”
Occasionally anger will be both appropriate and effective but these occasions will not be everyday occurrences for most of us.
Most of the time anger destroys or abuses. Chronic anger does not make us strong or safe; it weakens us. It encourages more anger.
We may direct anger at ourselves or at others. Studies indicate that chronic anger at ourselves or at others threatens our health and can promote disease.
The cost of anger to both our health and to attaining our goals is very high. Anger stimulates resistance or withdrawal by others. It can also encourage attacks, acts of revenge or isolation at home, at work, in traffic or anywhere it erupts. The more we get angry, the less we are listened to. An occasional outburst by a normally even–tempered person is fairly well tolerated by others, but chronic anger is not. Anger incites more anger. Each episode contributes to an atmosphere of blame and resentment which fuel conflict. Sometimes anger can be used as a short–term motivator, but over time it drives people away from productivity, cooperation and agreement. Problems cannot be solved when people are angry.
To get support from others, we may need to alleviate much of our own anger. This can be done by using positive self–talk to break out of destructive anger patterns or stress or pain relievers such as deep breathing, physical activity (like walking) and other relaxation techniques.
To minimize anger and angry behavior from others remember: “It’s not what is said that counts, but what is heard.”
Studies indicate that for every critical remark made to someone, it takes four times as much sincere praise before that person will perceive you as having a neutral view of them, and it will take even more praise for them to believe you hold them in a positive light.
To defuse anger from others follow these five guidelines:
- Listen
Listen
Listen
Let people vent. Only after they vent will they be receptive to solving or converting conflicts or problems.
Recognize that a complaint has two dimensions:
Facts (content)
Feelings (it takes six times longer to vent feelings than content) - Make a statement of regret say “I’m sorry this occurred” (only if you can sincerely say it).
- Make an “I understand” statement. This is one in
which you restate the content but not the feelings.
For example:
“I understand that after 15 years of service you were laid off with only ten minutes notice, and you are seeking immediate employment in a comparable position,” and then acknowledge some of their feelings. “ I know you are angry about the way you were treated, and you are concerned about getting a good job as soon as possible.” - Listen for those things you can agree with and then say “I agree that...” Studies indicate that is very difficult to maintain anger with someone who is sincerely agreeing with you. Don’t try to defend yourself or your position. Don’t argue, correct the other person or ask for sympathy.
- Let the person know you will do what you can to help. If appropriate, let them know that you will follow up and then do so.
To help yourself effectively handle angry people:
Listen for the facts in the angry person’s complaint or message. Screen out the feelings they express and respond to the content. To do so, practice recognizing the parts of their message which contain exaggerations, personal attacks, moralizing or ridicule. This is a way to separate the “form” from the “substance” of the message. You can also use this technique on yourself to head off angry feelings and relieve your stress or pain in healthier ways.
Another effective technique is to “THEACT” instead of automatically reacting to provocative situations. This means to think first and then act, rather than go on autopilot and react out of habit. As soon as you feel anger mentally ask yourself, “Is it appropriate and effective for me to get angry now?” If your intuitive response is “no,” then take three deep breaths and mentally talk yourself down.
Understanding that anger is caused by our thoughts and interpretations of events can provide powerful awareness of our ability to choose to control anger for better health, well–being and success in dealing with others. Chronic anger undermines the trust, respect, understanding and esteem we need to create in ourselves and with others in order to prevent conflict and achieve the results we want.
| Bruce Schroeder is an employment / litigation attorney with Summit Law Group, Seattle. Bruce's practice is concentrated on representing management in the entire range of employment law matters. More . |  |
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Janice Corbin is a partner with
Sound Employment Solutions, LLC, Seattle. Janice has over 15 years of
human resources experience with the Seattle Police Department and the
International Harvester Truck Company and has worked in the law enforcement
field for over 22 years.
More.
Janet May is a partner and attorney with Sound Employment Solutions, LLC, Seattle. Janet has over ten years of experience in the labor and employment law field, and has represented both management and labor. More. |
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| Rhonda Hilyer, President and Founder of Agreement Dynamics, is an international consultant with a reputation for helping convert traditional, conflict-based environments into productive, collaborative ones. More. |  |
| Mark Busto, Attorney with Sebris Busto James, Bellevue, is a seasoned employment law counselor and litigator with a strong professional background in labor-management relations. He has represented employers in discrimination cases before judges and juries in both state and federal court and has arbitrated many labor and employment matters. More. |  |
*The Articles appearing in the "HR Advisor" column represent the opinions of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the Municipal Research & Services Center.